More importantly, Mark says, it seems nobody is making a good-faith effort to understand heterosexual trans-attracted men
“It feels like everyone in the universe thinks we’re bisexual or gay men in denial, including a huge proportion of the trans women we’re attracted to,” he says. While he concedes that being trans-attracted isn’t nearly as hard as being trans, “it’s sure as fuck not easy.” He hopes to someday be accepted for who he is and not have his sexuality labeled as a “fetish” and himself, a “ trans chaser .” “My fear is that this remains an unresolved source of pain and disappointment in the lives of the trans women who can’t accept trans attraction,” he adds. “It doesn’t have to be some shitty compromise to be with a guy who’s turned on by your body.”
Indeed, as Andrew Sullivan tells me, “the difficulties with the LGBTQ formula is that many of the parts are very different in sexual ways
In an attempt to better understand Mark’s sexuality I ask him to explain why he’s attracted to trans women over cis women. While many trans-attracted men I meet on Grindr dance around this question (or shut me down completely: “The game is to be sold not told,” rejects 48-year-old Jaythajuice), Mark doesn’t hesitate. “I find women with penises more sexually arousing than any other kind of human being,” he explains, noting that he’s not un-attracted to post-op trans women, just more into their pre- or non-op counterparts. In addition to being physically alluring, he says trans women tend to be intelligent, charming and funny.
As for Platinumdust05 's contention that Mark and his trans-attracted brothers are nothing more than closet cases, Mark just scoffs. “I actively wish , frequently , that I was a bisexual man,” he admits, noting life would be a lot easier. “I’d far prefer to be able to have sex with men than find myself mired in this identity clusterfuck.” This isn’t just a passive wish. He’s actually gone out of his way to have sex with dudes and likens the experience to “being a freshwater fish dropped in the ocean.” He vomited after the first time; other times he felt like he’d betrayed his nature. “I don’t know how to explain the paradox best hookup website Killeen of liking dick and finding men totally sexually unappealing,” he adds, believing that to be a question for psychologists and others more credentialed than him. “I don’t feel like I’ve betrayed nature when I have sex with trans women because way deep down in that place where I allegedly store my unaddressed homosexuality I believe that trans women are women and not men.”
” Other scholars, like Jesus G. “You can piece together your type of lover like a pizza,” he says. “And in my research, it’s very common for people to perceive these websites as such. That’s why we see a lot of negative language on Grindr [ i.e., ‘no fats, femmes or Asians ’] – because it’s a way of screening so that you get the pool of people that you want. Exclusionary practices that have traditionally targeted racial minorities in some ways have now spread to targeting all gay men.”
Smith , assistant professor of ethnic studies at Lawrence University, likens Grindr to McDonald’s where users can “have it your way” by picking and choosing what they want to satisfy their deepest sexual curiosities
And yet there must be a way to express what you’re looking for without making people feel like shit. At least that’s the hypothesis of Dan Wohlfeiler , the director of Building Healthy Online Communities (BHOC), an organization dedicated to making apps like Grindr a friendlier place. Rather than saying “I don’t want this” and “I don’t want that,” he suggests expressing what you do want and leaving it there – for instance, “I find trans women beautiful.” Finding ways to look for what you want without making other people feel less-than is one of the goals of BHOC’s newly launched website – in partnership with Grindr , Adam4Adam , Daddyhunt and Poz Personals – which is committed to making online communities more welcoming by crowd-sourcing solutions for letting someone down gently.